My sis mocked at me in front of
her friend for wearing dresses in Cambodia instead of singlet/t-shirt with
shorts which she thinks a traveller should do. "What she wears when she's
in Cambodia was so funny." I was just sitting about 3 meters away from her in the same living room. She's not laughing, but with an attitude of
indifference. "Well, I used to
it.", what was in my mind. Just remain calm. I've been handling this quite
well, and don't bother it for years. I remained a usual mood. 5
minutes elapsed, she walked to me and asked me if I want a new phone case and she can buy for me. Recently I found she would do something good after she did something like that, as if it was for a compensation. I replied with normal tone, "No". I actually don't like
receiving things from people, but the feeling at that moment was not just that.
It reminds me how it was always be: She will blamed me on things for the reason
that she thought it was right. And sometime it really created confusion and fear
on me and avoid to talk to her so that I won’t offend her again, but she still
can be like nothing happened. I was a
child, who was building her character, thinking and attitude that time. I
thought people should be kind, reasonable and fair. Every time I didn’t do something wrong but still being picked on, I never fight back, I used non-offensive terms,
accurate phrases with extremely normal tone to reply her every sentences that
she said to me. That’s what I tried, what I insisted. But as I tried and tried,
justice never come. I don’t understand why. And I didn’t understand why the
world didn’t see. And I never fight but I was still wrong.
It was maybe just about small things in life,
like how I do my homework, how I put something on the table or how I not put something on the table…, everything I did was wrong to
her. Yeah, they are all small things, but it was until a point that I didn’t
understand why I applied all the good value, but still when I’d been scolded
until secretly cry in my own room, my sis still can complaint to my mum as if I
cry was also so so wrong, and so I got criticized
by my mum again. It was an extreme mental torture. All the small things in
life, I was wrong. I was young and I didn’t get why. I thought I applied justice
and fairness. I thought I didn’t sound offensive at all.
One day, it was enough to keep
thinking about why. In an argument that she started, I finally shouted, “Why do
you wanna treat me like this?” I shouted out loud. I hoped the people on the
street could hear me. I hope the world could know. I used all my strength to
shout. Immediately, she replied, “Bcoz I just want to bully you!” It was like
all the “why’s” according the moral value and concept were not necessary to
think about anymore. This was the reason, and no further explanation was needed.
I felt more and more strengthless. I felt there was no justice in this world. I’d
been hurting myself. I’d been crying a lot. I tried to be silent at home.
That was
the story about me that had been buried in my heart for years. A dark period that made me
want to see an psychologist when I was small. I first told my best friend
during secondary school. The 2nd person know this, it was 10 years later--during university
time. 3rd and 4th person know it, was only 1 to 2 years
back. If you are the first one read this, congratz you are the 5th
who know my opened secret.
This feeling should passed, although I found hard to get over this kind of feelings again these 2 years due to some unreasonable stress applied on me. But people should grow up. I know my life was not just filled with those, and now I know all the why's! The puzzles solved. So just move to the higher level to see this and forget about the fear. There are existence of different types of people in this world, maybe the way to deal with some of them is just not deal with them (Although this was what I've been applying, but my heart still do care!) So learn it!
